Til Death Do us Part (Though the Parting is Painful)
by DoomedToBeACrazyFanGirlForever
Summary: When Dan gets a call saying that Phil is in the hospital, his overactive imagination and tendency to panic leads him to some very drastic assumptions. Luckily enough, it turns out to all be just a scary misunderstanding, however it leaves Dan shaken, his mind swirling with the thoughts of what he would have done without Phil in his life. (Mild mentions of suicide and dark topics.)


**_'Til Death do us Part (Though the Parting is Painful)_**

* * *

It wasn't until late afternoon that he got the call. He was browsing the internet, per usual, when his phone buzzed beside him. Truth be told, Dan disliked talking on the phone, but the caller I.D. revealed that it was Phil, so he begrudgingly picked up. Phil knew he hated phone calls (he actually shared the sentiment) so he only called when it was important.

"Hey Phil, why'd you call?" Dan was curious, if not a bit miffed.

"Is this Dan Howell?" a voice asked, but it didn't belong to Phil.

Dan's brow wrinkled with bewilderment, a bit of worry seeping into his voice. "Who is this?"

"This is Pat Bristol from the London paramedics. Phillip Lester was in a car accident and you were his emergency contact."

Dan's composure dissolved into panic. "What?"

But as a paramedic, the woman was used to panic, so she calmly explained. "He is currently at the London central A&E, and if you choose to visit him, the doctors will be able to help you from there."

He should have asked questions, but in his rush, Dan had hung up and was now rushing to the metro. All but leaping into the train that would take him to the A&E, Dan stood silently as he contemplated what had happened.

He didn't know how to deal with this information. Phil had been in a car accident. Phil was currently in the fucking hospital. _Phil wasn't the one to call him._

The last bit was the part that worried him the most. Normally, when something went wrong, Phil was the one to call him — hatred of phone calls aside. The fact that someone had called him from _Phil's_ phone, telling him that Phil was in the hospital… that couldn't mean anything good.

Having arrived at his destination, Dan stepped out of the metro station, his barely contained dread spurring him into a sprint. Running down the street to the hospital, he burst through the doors, drawing some weary glances from the not-so-well-off patients waiting to be treated. Taking a deep breath, Dan steered himself to the front desk, which, amazingly enough, had only a short line. Standing impatiently, he waited for the people in front of him to be taken care of, before finally reaching the front.

"How may I help you?" I pleasant but tired-looking woman smiled faintly at Dan.

"Um, I'm here for Phil Lester." Dan's voice was shaking. "I got a call from the London paramedics saying that he was here."

The woman nodded, shuffling through some papers before looking back up. "Ah, yes, Philip. He's just finishing up with the doctor, and he should be out in maybe fifteen minutes. Feel free to take a seat while you wait."

But Dan didn't move. "Pardon?" Confusion was clear on his face.

Dan's confusion spread to the nurse as she tilted her head slightly. "I said Philip should be out in a moment and that you may take a seat while you wait…"

"He's okay?"

"Well, he sustained no major external injuries from his…" she glanced at the paper in her hands "car accident, if that's what you're asking. Right now the doctors are giving him a quick x-ray and examination to make sure he didn't obtain any internal injuries."

Dan let out a sigh, his hand grasping his chest in a subconsciously with relief. "Oh, okay."

"Is there a problem, sir?" The nurse looked at Dan's expression curiously.

"No, there's no problem." Dan stepped away from the desk. "Thank you."

Walking into the midst of the waiting room, Dan glanced around before realizing there were no open seats. With nowhere else better to go, he slipped into an empty corner and leaned against the wall.

 _So Phil is okay. Good._

A portion of Dan's panic had been eased, but a small bit remained.

 _But what if he isn't? What if I spaced out and misheard what the nurse said? What if Phil has a fractured spine or something? What if I'm dreaming this whole thing and Phil actually died in the accident? What if —_

Dan shook his head. He knew his thoughts were ridiculous, but for some reason he couldn't brush off his worry. So instead, he attempted to turn his mind onto other things, futilely of course, and ended up waiting in worried anticipation. He couldn't help but glance up every time he heard the door open and someone walk out from the back of the hospital. Truth be told, the unsettling atmosphere of the ailment-laden waiting room was not helping his dread. Every time he looked up, he somehow managed to make awkwardly terrifying eye-contact with a waiting patient with a terrible injury or clear illness. The hidden wounds wrapped messily in towels and the general haggard appearance of everyone was making Dan increasingly uncomfortable. The smell of disease crudely hidden by the antiseptic practically assaulted his nose, and he couldn't help but jump slightly every time someone coughed. He hated the A&E.

Eventually, he decided to just keep his head down and his eyes glued to the floor. He fought against the urge to look up every time that door opened, because he couldn't help but frown even more each time he saw a sickly patient leave the back rooms. He didn't know how much time had passed until he heard the door open again and a voice call out to him.

"Dan! Oh good, I thought I was going to have to use a pay phone to call you." Phil approached him nonchalantly, looking completely fine aside from a couple small scratches and bruises.

As soon as he heard his flatmate's voice, Dan's head snapped up. He stood there silently as Phil talked, but as soon as he stopped, Dan engulfed Phil's thin frame in a suffocating hug.

"Dumbass," Dan bit out, "don't scare me like that."

"Oi, what's this?" Phil pushed Dan away from his slightly in order to observe his relieved yet slightly irritated expression.

Dan scowled. "I could ask you the same thing! Why did the paramedics call me from _your_ phone, telling me you were in the A &E?"

Phil smiled. "Oh they found my phone! Good."

Phil's calm and oblivious behavior was pissing Dan off. He has just been scared shitless, and here Phil was, acting like absolutely nothing was wrong.

"What happened? Explain." Dan folded his arms.

"They didn't tell you?" Phil took Dan's pissed expression as a no. "Oh, well basically, I was taking a taxi home and some guy in a truck rear-ended us. He totaled the taxi, but everyone's fine. We called the police and they sent over the paramedics along with some other people to clean up and whatnot. When the guy had hit us, my phone slid off the seat next to me, and I couldn't seem to find it afterwards, so when the paramedics gave us all a ride to the hospital to make sure we were all okay, I asked one of them to see if they could find my phone if they were going back to the wreck. I told them to call you, too, to let you know what happened. It's odd that they only told you I was at the A&E, and nothing else."

Dan huffed. "They didn't get around to telling me, because I hang up on them. I was kind of panicking, seeing as they started off the call with "hello, Phil's in the hospital from a car accident" sounding all serious _._ " Dan waved his hands slightly as he impersonated the person who had called him earlier.

Phil's forehead wrinkled as he frowned, realizing how upset Dan was. "I'm sorry if I scared you, I didn't mean to. Are you okay?"

Dan sighed again. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just shaken." Turning around he headed for the exit. "Let's just head home."

* * *

The ride home was silent and strained, both men sitting with frowns plastered on their faces. Dan's expression was stormy, reflecting the hurricane of his emotions. Phil's frown, however, was more worried. He didn't understand why Dan was so upset and it was upsetting him, as evidenced as the occasional sideways glances towards Dan, filled with concern. They stayed silent as they exited the tube as well as on the walk home. Finally, Phil broke the silence as they entered the flat and the door closed behind them.

"Dan, what's wrong? Why are you so uneasy?" He reached out and gently grasped Dan's arm to prevent him from walking off.

But Dan shrugged the offending appendage off. "It's nothing."

Phil frowned. "It's obviously not 'nothing', what's worrying you? I want to help."

"Look, I'm just kind of pissed about how nonchalant you are about this whole thing. I was fucking scared. You could have _died._ " Upon hearing the last word, it all clicked for Phil.

"Oh, you were worried that I could have died?" Phil chuckled in what was meant to be a reassuring way, but the message was not received.

"You think that's funny? I was terrified for you, Phil!"

"No, no, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm okay! It was just a small accident, I wasn't hurt."

"But I didn't know that!" Dan snapped, glaring at his offender.

Phil's expression was of pure sympathy. "Dan, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I scared you. I don't know what else to say other than I'm fine now. Nothing's wrong. Everything is okay."

Dan breathed, a hand reaching up to massage his brow. "Yeah, I know. I know. I just —" He groaned. "I know I'm just being stupid, but what if you had been hurt? What if you had died?"

Phil's frown intensified. "Oh, well, I don't know. Hopefully we'll never have to deal with that. That's more of a "cross this bridge when we get to it" type of thing."

"Easy for you to say, you're not the one who almost just lost his best friend!" Dan made an attempt to control his emotions, but he soon realized it was useless. Continuing on, he let it loose. "Fuck, Phil, if you died I would have—" Dan suddenly looked away, realizing what he had been about to say. His pause caused the intensity of his voice to fall to a short mumble as he spoke again. "I don't know what I would have done."

But that was a lie. Dan knew exactly what he would have done — he just didn't want to say it.

But Phil could tell it was a lie, and he was pretty sure he knew what his friend had almost said. The words that had been cowering on the tip of Dan's tongue now danced fearfully in Phil's head, but he needed to be sure.

"Dan… what were you about to say?" His voice was gentle, tinged with a shadow of worry.

"Nothing." Dan still wouldn't meet the ocean-blue pools that looked pleadingly in front of him, successfully outing his lie.

"Dan, look at me. I know that's a lie. What were you going to say?"

"Nothing important." Dan's answer didn't satisfy Phil, and that message was clearly conveyed by the silence left to drift between them. But the silence did its trick, eventually causing the brown-haired boy to speak again. "Look, it's silly, but you mean a lot to me. I mean, more than everyone else." Dan paused, unsure if he should continue. "When I first met you, I was a bloody mess. I was fucked up, Phil, and you…" A pause. "You fixed that."

Dan disliked talking about his past, and that was evidenced by the forced manner of his speech. "You experienced it first-hand, but I was depressed and suicidal. Self-esteem lower than my trousers." He huffed, a sound that would have been a chuckle in any other circumstance. But the peak of mirth was lost as he spoke again. "I thought you fixed all that. And I know it sounds bad, but you're the one who fixed everything, Phil, not me, and now I thought those times were just a dark history; part of the past. But I realized today is that isn't true. When I got that call, it all came flashing back, all the dark times and feelings, the scars, the despair. It was a shitstorm. A fucking shitstorm, because you know what? I realized the damn mortality of it all. I realized that the only thing that had been keeping me alive all this time could be taken away, just like that. I realized that not only would I have fallen back to my old depths; I would have fallen farther, because I would have lost you too, Phil. And that scared me. It scared me so much."

With all those words spoken, Dan finally dared to make eye contact. Looking up, his brown eyes met the stormy orbs of the expressionless man in front of him.

Phil's blank look made him halt his breath, even for a second. He didn't understand. And maybe that's what finally pushed him to say what he had originally thought.

"Phil, if you died, I would have killed myself. You may have fixed me, but you are the only thing holding me together. If I lose you, I have nothing left to live for."

"No."

Phil's abrupt word startled Dan, causing him to blink slowly as the word registered.

"Wha—"

"No." Phil cut off Dan's confused attempt at clarification. "If I'm the only thing holding you together, then I obviously haven't fixed you yet."

Phil's reaction confused Dan. He had been expecting — well, he didn't know what reaction he had been expecting. Something different. Maybe a curt "Don't be an idiot." Or even a tender "It's okay, I'm fine now. Nothing to worry about." Not this. Yet Phil continued to surprise him even more as he sank slowly into one of the colorful chairs beside them.

"God, Dan, I knew you were broken when I met you, yet that didn't make me love you any less. I could see the spark in you, and I knew I needed to see more. So I made it my personal mission to make that spark into a fire. It was like restoring a damaged piece of artwork; you only got more beautiful the longer I knew you. Soon enough, you were smiling real smiles, laughing real laughs, and finally crying your tears. I've seen you grow, Dan, and it's been spectacular." The ebony's voice had become thick with suspended emotion, his brow contorting under the hand that weakly supported his head. "But I thought we had gotten past all that. I thought you weren't broken anymore. I thought I _had_ fixed you. But turns out I did a pretty shit job of that, huh?" When Phil finally looked up, Dan was surprised to see his eyes welling with slowly escaping tears. "I was supposed to fix you Dan; you trusted me. And I failed you."

"Phil…" Dan breathed out the name as he too sank into one of the kitchen chairs. "It's not your _job_ to fix me."

"That doesn't stop me from wanting to." Phil looked up at Dan and smiled faintly. "Look, I know it's not supposed to work that way; I know I'm not supposed to try to fix you, but I don't think I could stop myself even if I tried."

Those words washed an intense wave of emotions over Dan, predominantly a desperate love. Phil loved him and he loved Phil, no matter the context. But that knowledge made his fear even worse; how _could_ he survive without Phil?

"I'm _not_ broken anymore," Dan protested. "Just because I would be devastated if you died doesn't make me broken." He forced a small chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood.

But Phil wasn't having any of that. "There's a difference between being devastated and wanting to kill yourself." He said it lowly, his directing stare causing Dan to look away.

"Okay, fine, you're right." Dan tried to brush it off. "I was just exaggerating. I wouldn't actually kill myself, it's just…" He trailed off with a sigh, before starting up again. "It sounds silly but I can't imagine my life without you." He sounded almost indignant. "I mean, we've only lived with each other for three years, but I already feel as if it's always been this way. You're like my shadow, and I'm yours. No matter we tell everyone else, we're pretty much conjoined at the hip." He let out a small laugh before sobering again. "Phil, you're the one who got me to smile again, and if you were to be taken away from me, I legitimately don't know how I'd survive." Dan swallowed thickly, fighting down tears. "Our lives have meshed. Being separated would be like trying to rip tape off of paper. You'd come off, but you'd take most of me with you."

Dan looked down at his lap, his hands gipping his tight jeans. He waited in silence, until Phil's hand on his face made him look up. Phil's other hand followed soon after until he held Dan's face gently in his hands. It was quite an intimate move, but in the height of their emotions, neither of them cared.

"Dan," His voice came out as a whisper. "You shouldn't have to be with someone in order to enjoy existence." Phil bit his lip before he continued. "I know you love me, and I love you too, but that isn't an excuse to give up on your life!" Phil's pleading eyes were slowing coaxing the tears out of Dan. "If I were to die, the last thing I would ever want is for you to end your life. The very thought makes me feel so guilty…" Phil continued to bite at his quivering lip. "Even if there is some sort of afterlife, I wouldn't want you to end your life here just to meet me again. I can wait. Your life here can't. If _you_ died, I wouldn't kill myself, even if I wanted to. I would go out and make the most of my life and do all the things you wanted to do. I would live my life in the place of yours." They sat in silence, Phil's thumb gently stroking Dan's teary cheek. "Suicide… Dan, suicide is selfish, and you're stronger than that. With or without me."

Dan opened his mouth to speak, only to close it moments after. There wasn't anything for him to say. He _knew_ Phil was right, even if he didn't feel as if he could agree. Maybe he could one day. He hoped he could one day.

So Dan did the best he could. He gave Phil a small nod before letting his emotions break free. His silent tears turned into wracking sobs and Phil welcomed him into a comforting hug, letting Dan nuzzle his head into Phil's shoulder.

They sat there for a while, Dan's sobs slowly growing quieter and quieter; Phil's sniffs growing less and less frequent. After god knows how long, Phil released Dan from his grasp, smiling at him.

"How about we go watch a movie, yeah? That will make us both feel better."

"Okay." Dan smiled a small smile of his own before following Phil into the living room.

Phil was right. You shouldn't have to be with someone in order to enjoy existence. But with that in mind, you should enjoy their existence as long as you can.

* * *

 **A/N:** WELL THAT WAS AN ANGSY DRAMATIC MESS, WASN'T IT? Anyway, the reason I wrote this fic is because I've always read fics where Phil dies and that spurs Dan into suicide, but I felt compelled to write something a bit different. Don't get me wrong, I love those heart-shattering fics, but I can't help but think that realistically, Dan (now at least) would be able to survive without Phil, and would stay strong for Phil. _Because_ of Phil. Originally I was planning to kill off Phil and have Dan have this whole long inner monologue about how Phil taught him better than to live for the sake of others, and not for himself, but somewhere along the line, this happened, and I frankly think it turned out a bit better. :)

Funny story, that whole description of the A&E waiting room was basically just my experience of the one time I had to go to the ER. No, it wasn't me that needed medical attention, it was my mom. She had managed to slice open her finger pretty well. That was traumatizing. I've always hated hospitals, but the ER is 100000000000x worse. Fucking terrifying. Yeah, so I was remembering all of those memories while I wrote that paragraph. I was shuddering and shivering and yeah, I don't think I'm going to sleep well tonight.

All for you guys...

But anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed. :) Reviewing makes my life infinitely better, so maybe give it a try?

xx

 _A_


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